


An Automail Pinky

by Sarah1281



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Humor, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:25:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4695578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While stuck on the other side of the Gate, Ed encounters a Mary Sue attempting to do Kitten Transmutation and must stay strong while his brother and the Gate Guardian fall prey to Mary Sue's dubious charms all while trying to return to Amestris.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Automail Pinky

Mary Sue was perfect. There was no other way to describe it. She had yards of long, gleaming, shiny golden blonde hair. She had once trekked thirty miles through a thunderstorm and yet, her hair had gotten wet, granted, but had dried perfectly straight, with not a hair out of place.

Her eyes were sparkling violet. Men swooned at the sight of them and often lest themselves in her wondrous orbs of perfection. Her skin was golden and flawless; she had never suffered acne in her life. Of course, she didn't consider it suffering and often lamented the fact that she could eat ten thousand pounds of chocolate cake and her skin would still remain unblemished and she never gained weight. In fact, she had proven this twice. Her friends envied her for it, but they didn't seem to understand that she was missing out on all the joy and laughter that is acne.

Despite the fact that size 54DD breast were rarely found on anyone smaller than a size 16, Mary Sue was living proof that this was possible. After all, she would rather stay acne-less forever than rise above a size one and the universe seemed to grant this devil's bargain. Her legs were as long as Ed's whole body and she was twice as tall as he was. That wasn't really saying much, but it still put her at a good six feet.

Mary Sue had designer clothes. They made her look like a goddess. Her name wasn't actually Mary Sue, of course, it was Jaden, the around the time she started wearing designer clothing, people started calling her 'Mary Sue.' Annoyed – for surely 'Mary Sue' wasn't nearly as cool of a name as 'Jaden Essence of Perfection' – she had tried giving away her clothes to poor people. It wasn't very successful though; when she tried wearing rags, she still looked gorgeous and when the poor people touched her clothes, they were deemed unworthy and the clothing (which could only be worn by a holy maiden) caused a bright flash of light and the offenders burst into flames.

And so it was that Mary Sue kept her wardrobe and determined that if she could make distasteful green-and-orange striped clothing look fabulous, she could make the name 'Mary Sue' sexy.

One day, Mary Sue was taking a walk alone. Her 50,000 friends all wanted to go with her, but she wouldn't let them. Popularity was so trying sometimes; all she wanted to do was have a moment alone to contemplate how beautiful she was and how unworthy those around her were. They were unworthy to tie the strap on her $500 sandals. Who had said that?

Ah yes, she remembered! It was that John the Baptist guy! He had said that about Jesus. Mary Sue supposed she was just like him. After all, they were both surrounded by groupies who were unworthy of them. That Jesus guy had a tragic death scene, though, and Mary Sue didn't. Well, not yet. She might still get her chance. And then, of course, she would be brought back by the purity of her sacrifice, just like Jesus! She went around telling people that at least once every hour and she never could figure out why she was banned from every church in town.

Occasionally, a particularly zealous person would tell her that she was going to hell upon hearing her comparisons, but Mary Sue didn't mean. She'd merely flash a thousand-watt smile and treat them to a sassy flip of her hair, assuring them that that was okay. She was confident if they gave her an hour or two, she could redeem Satan.

While Mary Sue was musing, it began to rain. Typically, she was wearing white. As she hurried through the storm, she stopped suddenly. Her henceforth unknown empathetic connection to all living things hit her suddenly and she stumbled – gracefully – upon a kitten that had just been run over, the offending car speeding away.

Mary Sue fell to her knees (her outfit staying mud-free of course) and she cradled the cat in her arms. Dead. Tears sprang to her eyes and she fumbled in her pocket for some chalk. It was really quite fortunate she had recently taken to carrying some around with her.

Instinctively drawing a transmutation circle and placing the kitten in the middle of it, she leaned forward, as if in slow-motion, and began to put her hands in the alchemical equation.

\- -

"Are you sure you smelled it over there?" Edward Elric asked skeptically.

"Of course! That is the unmistakable smell of cotton candy!" Alphonse Elric assured him.

"But Al, it's raining!" Ed pointed out. "How can you smell ANYTHING but wetness?"

"I don't know! I just can!" Al insisted. "And you can't smell wetness."

"Then what is it that you smell when it rains?" Ed asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Uh…rain?" Al guessed.

"No," Ed shook his head. "Rain is water and water doesn't smell."

"If water doesn't smell, how does wetness?" Al demanded.

"…Then what is it?"

"Worms?" suggested Al. "All I know is that I smell cotton candy and it's coming from over there." He pointed to Mary Sue, who did indeed smell like cotton candy. What's more, it was her natural scent.

"Maybe she has cotton candy-WHAT THE HELL?" Ed shouted, seeing Mary Sue activate her kitten transmutation circle. No doubt he was concerned for her safety.

"How the hell is she using alchemy on this side of the gate?!?!?!"

Apparently not.

"Big Brother…" Al said wearily, shaking his head.

"What? I've been trying for two YEARS to do alchemy and now this…this freak comes along and she just-" Ed ranted on.

He was so busy venting, in fact, that he failed to notice the sudden presence of the Gate of Truth. Apparently the laws of alchemy didn't apply to Mary Sue. The creepy little creature which had appeared before Ed the first time he had occasion to see the Gate came before them.

"You want to bring 'Bob McKitty' back to life?" it asked.

Mary Sue nodded solemnly.

Ed finally finished complaining about the injustice of random girls being able to do alchemy on this side of the Gate and shouted, "Are you insane? You're willing to sacrifice everything for a cat?"

Al opened his mouth to echo the sentiments, then stopped. "Hey! I know you! You're my English teacher!"

The suspected teacher looked around guiltily. "No I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!" Al insisted. "You're Mr. Lorenzo."

"NO I'M NOT!"

"I didn't read Antigone," Al told him.

"Alphonse Elric, I'm ashamed of you!" Mr. Lorenzo lectured. "You're missing out on a wonderful bit of culture! You-"

"Hey, this is my story not yours," Mary Sue complained. "Now stop bothering with this and focus more on me!"

"Fine, fine…" Ed grumbled.

"But…Mr. Lorenzo…Why are you doing this?" Al asked, wide-eyed and innocent.

"Look…teachers, uh, teachers don't make the most money, you see, and so we have to get part-time jobs," Mr. Lorenzo said sheepishly. "Just don't tell anybody! That'd be weird."

"Like this isn't ALREADY weird," Ed said dryly.

"Now, Mary Sue, are you willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of this cat?"

Mary Sue nodded again.

"Find then, I-" Mr. Lorenzo began.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Ed interrupted. "Why are you so deadset on bringing some stupid cat back to life?"

"It's not a stupid cat!" Mary Sue and Al yelled simultaneously, then looked at each other and blushed.

"Ed's eyes widened at this and he backed away visibly shaking. "No…it's one of them…" he muttered. "I'll have to tell Mustang about this…"

"And it's not just a cat!" Mary Sue cried, tears springing to her eyes. "He's my friend and I love him!"

Al's eyes, which had previously been misting over with instant love for Mary Sue, suddenly cleared. "But…it's a girl…"

"Damn!" Mary Sue swore.

Al and Mr. Lorenzo stared at her in shock. Ed, despite his complete and utter loathing of any and all organized religion, made the sign of the cross.

"I mean, uh, heh heh, I'm sorry," Mary Sue giggled.

Now Al's eyes clouded over once more and he murmured, "That's alright…"

"NO IT'S NOT!" Ed shouted.

"Uh, can we get on with bringing Bob back to life?" Mary Sue asked timidly.

Mr. Lorenzo's heart melted. "Alright sweetheart, I'll get right to work on-"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Ed interrupted.

"What?" Everyone asked.

"You can't bring her back; it goes against the laws of alchemy! You are supposed to turn Bob into a homunculus and then take a part of Mary Sue's body for daring to play God," Ed explained.

"Do we really want a kitty homunculus running around?" Al asked skeptically. "Aside from it being completely absurd, it is cruelty to animals!"

"But Al-" Ed began to protest.

"Fine, fine, if you insist, I will…" Mr. Lorenzo trailed off, unable to continue. He took a deep shuddering breath. "I will be mean to her."

"It's not being mean; that's the way these things work," Ed countered.

"It's okay. I understand," Mary Sue said bravely with a dazzling smile. "You're just doing your job."

"Well…what to do…what to do…" Mr. Lorenzo muttered. "I know!" He brightened as he was struck with sudden inspiration.

"Her arm? Her leg? Both?" asked Ed hopefully.

"Nope," Mr. Lorenzo said cheerfully.

"Then what?" Mary Sue asked.

"I shall take your pinky!" he laughed.

"O…okay," Mary Sue said determinedly, accepting her punishment with grace as a lone tear streamed down her face.

"Aww…" Mr. Lorenzo looked imploringly at Ed. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," Ed snapped.

"But-"

"LOOK, I LOST MY ARM AND MY LET TO YOU-" Ed began ranting again.

"Hey, you volunteered one of those limbs," Mr. Lorenzo reminded him timidly.

"IRRELEVANT! AND ANYWAY, I LOST EVERYTHING AND THEN THIS…THING-"

"An arm and a leg is hardly 'everything,'" Mr. Lorenzo corrected.

"Thing? Mary Sue's not a thing!" Al defended her.

Mary Sue's eyes flashed green and she mouthed, 'You're dead.'

"See? Did you see that?" demanded Ed.

Mary Sue blinked and her eyes went back to normal. "See what?" she asked innocently.

"Your eyes, they were just – never mind. I don't care. But how is losing her pinky anything more than a mild inconvenience?" Ed asked, calming down.

"If she doesn't have a pinky, she can't hold it up and be fancy," explained Mr. Lorenzo, as if it were obvious.

"She still has her other pinky," Ed pointed out.

Confusion flashed across Mr. Lorenzo's face and an internal struggle was evident in his eyes as the sheer logic of Ed's argument penetrated the spell woven by Mary Sue. He looked uncertainly at her.

Quickly, she smiled innocently and promised, "Don't worry, I won't use my other pinky to be fancy."

Mr. Lorenzo relaxed. "Well, if you promise…"

"I do."

"That about settles it then," Mr. Lorenzo took Mary Sue's left pinky.

"This isn't fair! Unless, of course, you're saying the life of a kitten is any less valuable than that of a human," Ed said slyly.

Mr. Lorenzo shot him a look that clearly said 'Well duh.'

Mary Sue's eyes filled with tears and she wailed adorably. "No! No, Bob McKitty is worth just as much as I am!"

"Of that I have no doubt," Ed muttered.

Mary Sue fixed him with a glare.

"Mary Sue's right. Cats are people too!" Al declared.

"Uh, no, no they're not. They're cats," Ed couldn't help saying. "But!" he added hurriedly when he saw Al start to glare at him as well. "If they are so important, why do they only warrant the loss of a pinky?"

Al and Mary Sue thought about that. He had a valid point, as usual, but they didn't want her to lose more than a pinky!

Mr. Lorenzo looked annoyed. "Now look here, if you stop trying to ruin everything for me, I promise I'll put you guys back in Amestris. Deal?"

"Deal," Ed said instantly. "Right Al?"

But Al had turned to Mary Sue. "Can she come too?"

"Oh Al…" Mary Sue's eyes shimmered.

"Of course she can," Mr. Lorenzo assured him with a smile. "Now off you go and be careful! We've never had a homunculus who-"

"Is a cat?" asked Ed.

"Kitten," Al corrected.

"Actually, I was referring to the fact that now we have eight homunculi and there are only seven deadly sins, so we have no idea what to call her."

"Surely you've had more than seven before," Ed said incredulously.

Mr. Lorenzo shook his head. "Nope, never."

"What are the odds that someone only attempts a human transmutation when there are six homunculi or less?" demanded Ed.

"Obviously, as it's happened, the odds are pretty damn good," Mr. Lorenzo said, sending them all to Amestris. "Bye Mary Sue! Bye Ed! Bye Alphonse! Don't forget to read Antigone!"

And as the three travelers walked along – Mary Sue and Al chatting happily about rainbows and sunshine and kittens – Ed could be heard muttering, "First stop: Führer Mustang's office."


End file.
